First of all, let me get something straight: this is a JOURNAL, not a diary. I know what the headline says, but my feelings require something deeper than a simple diary for “normies,” just like my love for Clairo and quarter zips is so much deeper than some silly TikTok trend.

But before I get started, I would like to take a moment to acknowledge the irreparable damage caused by the astronomical taxes on feminine hygiene products. This injustice has caused me tremendous pain, and I must acknowledge my privilege as a dashing, good-looking white man (I’m 6 ‘3 by the way), while recognizing the true plight of women around the world.

Anyways, my day always starts with my alarm, music from “Charm,” Clairo’s newest hit album. Frankly, if you’re not appreciating female artists from dawn til dusk, are you even trying to fight the inherent bias in the music industry? After my delightful awakening, I roll out of bed, put on my
newest quarter zip, strap my shiniest limited edition labubu to the belt loop of my Carhart baggy jeans and leave my $3,000-a-month apartment headed for my favorite overpriced coffee shop in a renovated parking garage.

You may be wondering: don’t I have a J-O-B to go to? Well, ever since I discovered the gender pay gap, I’ve been absolutely crushed by the unfairness of our terribly sexist and bigoted society. So, I made the brave and selfless
decision to quit my J-O-B altogether. I simply cannot in good conscience contribute to an economy that refuses to value women at the same dollar amount per soul-crushing hour. Instead, I have taken on the critical role of Professional Feminist Ally… It’s kind of like being an influencer, but so much cooler and more inclusive.

My days are now spent reposting empowering infographics on Instagram, reading the newest Colleen Hoover novels and loudly announcing how aware I am that women have it so much harder than us men. (I’m 6’3 by the way).
From my seat at the coffee shop, I order a non-dairy, eco-conscious, ethically-farmed matcha latte that would put a Victorian child into a coma while journaling courageously about women’s struggles. I even use a sparkly pink pen to show solidarity. In my opinion, it’s the little things that create real change.

If you look at my bank account and see the sheer amount of student loans from my major in Gender-Neutral Accessory Studies and my certificate in Intersectional Latte art, you may ask: what is this all for? Well, besides my endless love for
the game, I KNOW that my tireless work for women around the world will pay off someday. When I hit the game-winning shot against period cramps, all the ladies will come running and they’ll finally see how much I truly appreciate them. History will remember the greats: Susan B. Anthony, Gloria Steinem…and ME, the guy who cared so loudly that women everywhere could finally rest easy. You’re welcome, society.

And now, dear empowerment journal, I must rest. Fighting the patriarchy can be quite exhausting, especially when you’re carrying the entire feminist movement all by yourself. But tomorrow I will rise again. Someday, when a woman finally falls in love with me for my feminist bravery and not just my dashing looks (I’m still 6 ‘3, by the way), fighting for feminism will finally be worth it.