I'm no good at goodbyes.
But last week, I've had to say just that to many of my friends. You see, I was friends with mostly seniors. I know, stupid move on my part. It’s not like I didn’t know that they would all eventually graduate. After all, I should’ve made more of an effort to become friends with people in my grade. I didn't plan for it to be that way, but it just sort of happened.
Many of my friends graduated from LHS in June and I really didn't think much of it. I lived out the summer in denial, never fully processing their pending departures. I saw them all just as often and we kept making plans for the future as if we were oblivious to the upcoming end of our time together.
Then our last week came upon us. It all started to hit me at that point. How could I go back to school without my closest friends beside me? What would I do without them? Senior year isn’t meant to be a year to dread, it is supposed to be a year to look forward to.
It wasn’t supposed to feel like this.
There are few times that I have ever felt as alone as I did on the first day of school. The whole day felt like a bad dream. When I walked into the school I felt like I didn’t belong there, like I was too old to be there. It all felt very foreign to me. The whole day I kept expecting to see my friends in the hallways. My mind played tricks on me. It was very bizarre to see a tiny freshman using my best friend’s locker. I almost asked the kid what he was doing. I still couldn’t register the fact that she was in Iowa and wouldn’t be using it.
I wanted to start college immediately.
On the second day of school I began planning unrealistic trips to visit my friends at school. I calculated the distance, the amount of time it would take, when I could leave and how much gas would cost. Somehow I was under the illusion that my parents would allow a 17 year old girl drive to Grinnell, Iowa by herself.
I began counting down the days to graduation.
How could I last another year at LHS? After all, many of my friends had moved on. They were able go somewhere new and meet all new people while I was still right here. After all, I had met everyone there was to meet at LHS.
I was wrong.
I met someone going through many of the things I was going through. She too had lost many friends because of college. We bonded over this and are quickly becoming friends. We have begun planning to visit are friends all over the country. And our plans to go together are far more realistic than me planning to go alone.
I have come out of this experience with a little bit of optimism for the future. A lot has changed this week. Though I still want to be in college right now, at least I am friends with someone else who feels the same way. Having someone to talk to about my feelings somehow makes me feel a lot better. Feeling alone is the worst feeling in the world and I am glad I have overcome that.
photo by M. Kalish