Living in the Chicago-land area, one becomes familiar with bone-chilling temperatures and wind throughout the winter. But this season is supposed to be one for the record books, according to the “Farmer’s Almanac.”
Here at DOI, we care about you. We like you being hypothermia-free, and we believe we can get through this if we stick together. Literally. Here’s a list of tips and tricks to get you through the forthcoming, proverbial, frozen hell.
Dress like Lady Gaga
Maybe her headwear wasn’t the most notable occurrence at MTV’s most recent VMAs, but she deserves an honorable mention. Ms. Gaga was channeling a tar-and-feathered abominable snowman that got into a stash of ice shavings. Cute. However, despite her propensity for pushing fashion’s barriers (or running into them headfirst repeatedly), she does look quite toasty. If you decide to try this method, make sure you clean up after yourself. It looks like you might start shedding.
Hunt for Al Gore
Despite the fact that Gore’s documentary “An Inconvenient Truth” won a Nobel Peace Prize (insert joke about Obama here), the prevalent exaggerations, and his personal refusal to debate any opponent on the “climate crisis” issue, thoroughly entertained the scientific community. No matter what you prefer politically, this “educational material” is just facts about the “end of the world.” Personally, we’re putting our future in the hands of Nostradamus or the Mayans. Al Gore, not so much. So, in order to warm yourself, you, as one of the nearly frozen Midwest residents, could muster up the energy in your chilled body to hunt Mr. Gore down, forcing him to tell the truth and nothing but it. There’s nothing like an adrenaline rush to warm the hearts of innocent Midwestern plebeians.
What to do at LHS
It is widely known that temperatures drastically fluctuate throughout the classrooms at LHS. Watch out for the mad rush to the rooms that boast high temperatures once the record-breaking chill sets in. It will be survival of the fittest this winter: Heat will be a limited resource.
However, if we are forced to bunker in the hallowed halls of LHS, the body heat from any gym class working out in the cardio room could power a generator for approximately three days. Of late, both doors have been shut, causing the already over-heated, hormonal teenagers to sweat that much more. This change helps accelerate one’s heart rate to reach that elusive 130-190 zone, but if arctic disaster struck we’d also be saved!
If you can’t handle it...migrate!
photo by K. Mooney