Unless you have been living under a rock for the past few months, then you know the craze “Jersey Shore” has stirred up. Here’s the best way to become the most fantastic Guido.
There are two very essential ingredients to becoming the perfect Guido. You must become disgustingly jacked and tanned to perfection. We aren’t talking about the orange producing cop out that a spray tan is either. If that is even a question for you, then you probably aren’t ready for this. Maybe next year. You must use the skin-cancer-causing tanning bed. It is best to have your own, but if you don’t, that’s fine too. This is going to take dedication because it is a daily necessity if you want to look fresh. To achieve ultimate tanness, it is also highly advised to shave all body hair.
Another absolute in transforming into a Guido is getting your swell on in the gym. If you want to cause a “Situation” or two, then the most important areas to work out are your abs and your arms. They must be uncomfortably big. Also, it is recommended that you take steroids because it makes the transformation faster and you become stronger quicker. Power bars and protein shakes are okay, but mainly only for the people not man enough to ‘roid up.
Now, once you have your tan and your muscles, you can start doing the outlandish things. No matter where you live, you have to go to the Shore for the summer.
You also must have an inflated ego: Basically, you must think that you are the man and that everybody knows that you are. When you walk in places, you should be getting head turns left and right.
Even if you have zero affiliation and none of your friends do it, you must get a tribal arm tattoo around your arm. It makes people target in on your guns and makes you seem hardcore.
Before you go out for the night, you have to spend at least fifteen minutes spiking up your hair, checking yourself out in the mirror and telling yourself how good you look, inflating your already huge ego even more.
You must also take this time to make sure that you are in peak fist pumping form. Just take a few pumps to see if you’ve still got it. Even if you don’t, lie to yourself because self confidence goes a long way on the Shore.
On to clothing: You should wear either a wife-beater or a shmedium (small-medium) shirt so you can show off your tight body—just how manly you really are. The tighter the shirt, the better. But you don’t want to get too tight because then you look like an oaf. Recommended brands include Affliction, Ed Hardy and Tapout. But remember young grass hoppers, you must do your laundry the day of—GTL!
Regardless of how religious you really are, you have to wear a cross because you “believe in God” (even if you really don’t). Earrings are also recommended, even if they are a girl’s brand like Chanel. Diamond studded big watches are another way to trick girls into thinking that you are rich, even if you are still living at home with your parents.
To impress people, you have to pretend you are rich, even if you aren’t. You need to have the latest technology (like an iPhone), and if your last name isn’t remotely Italian, you have to make one up. Just don’t forget what you told people your fake last name was. If you do, it’ll cause problems. You also shoud save up your money and buy a Benz or BMW (even if it causes you to live in a shack).
If you think you can handle these few guidelines to becoming a Guido, then this might be for you. It isn’t for the light-hearted. It is recommended only for those with a full bag of confidence and determination. And remember: What happens on the Shore stays on the Shore.
photo courtesy of MTV.com
Comments